Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Alisa Star, blabber mouth. Breathtaking. So bizarre. Alisa Star. Alisa Starr.
[00:00:09] She's your friend.
[00:00:16] Hi guys, it's me, Alisa Starr, and these are my thoughts. This is my podcast. Thank you very much for listening.
[00:00:25] I always found that the worst part of any surgery is being wheeled in beforehand.
[00:00:30] Being on a gurney anywhere is terrifying, but the surgery was the opposite of that. I was ushered in kindly by my friend Tris, who hugged me and told me I would do great and checked in with a nurse before leaving. After that, the nurse walked me through my medical history, which felt like, elisa Star, this is your crumbling body.
[00:00:52] Once we'd gone over everything that had ever been wrong with me, they took my blood and the medical residents found me and asked if I had any questions. I asked them to take a picture of my uterus. A bitch has been fucking with me all year. I want to look her in the face.
[00:01:08] They giggled as I walked away because they are 25.
[00:01:12] Then the nurses walked me into the OR and put me on the gurney, telling me to start breathing into the pure oxygen.
[00:01:20] Next time I woke up, I was in a room I'd never been in before and a nurse was trying to get me to pee. I had to pee really bad, but I couldn't get my brain to agree to pee in the bed. The nurses kept reassuring me there was a bedpan there, but I couldn't feel it. And some part of my brain was like, if we start peeing beds now, we will never stop.
[00:01:41] The next time I opened my eyes, there were more nurses next to my bed and I started freaking out. That wasn't right. If I was fine, I'd only have one nurse. I needed to pee so badly it hurts still. If I didn't pee, my bladder could explode and then I need two surgeries in two days and. And. And then I heard the nurse say, okay, get the catheter. Then I felt true pain. They still weren't getting enough pee though. My bladder still hurts. I could hear the heart monitor spread up, speed up and shit. My bladder was going to explode. I couldn't pee in a bag for the rest of my life. Blood pressure shooting up, I heard another nurse say, and I was out again.
[00:02:18] I woke up and they told me they were keeping me overnight because my blood pressure had shot up too high and I couldn't pee. And literally the only thing they wanted me to do after the surgery was pee and not have a heart attack.
[00:02:30] I had them called Tris, who agreed with the nurses. I was wheeled into the non intensive Care unit. Staying overnight in the hospital was kind of fun. I was in pain, sure, but I expected that no matter where you are or what you take, you will hurt so badly you kind of want to die. The first 48 hours after surgery, the nurses were always measuring my pee and getting excited at how good I was at peeing. I didn't mean to be.
[00:02:56] It hurt so badly to pee, but my throat also hurt from the intubation. And my worst nightmare is opening my mouth and nothing coming out. And that's what happened when I first woke up. Woke up. And because they'd had a tube down my throat and my throat was swollen from that, I just croaked when I tried to speak. I couldn't make any jokes, charisma my way through things.
[00:03:23] So all I did all night long was drink as much water as I could and pee and nap and then get complimented in between.
[00:03:31] I was discharged after several examinations into Tris's care.
[00:03:36] The last examination the discharge nurse came in was like, okay, let me see your incisions. And she looked at my abdomen, and she was like, there aren't any. I was so busy peeing and just trying to get that to work. I didn't. I hadn't looked. I was afraid to look at my abdomen. Not that I've ever really particularly been proud of that part of my body, but having it carved up sounded unnerving to look at and to care for. It turns out they never laparoscopically went through my abdomen to get to separate my uterus from my ovaries. They just went in vaginally. And apparently when they went in vaginally with their little, tiny, tiny little scissors and cameras and laparoscopes or whatever, they cut my fallopian tubes away from my uterus. And then they. I think my tubes just. Just curled up into. Into the rest of my body. And so I guess they're still in there floating away. So I.
[00:04:52] Do I have some inner tentacles. I also have some outer tentacles, but that is a story for another day.
[00:05:00] Tris was really kind. She kept making me food, which was astounding to me. Like, I was so surprised that I didn't have the energy to make myself food.
[00:05:12] And I was a little bit embarrassed to even ask her to do it, but she was really kind and good about just knowing it was time to feed me, suggesting the food, making the food, telling me funny stories, and then sending me back to bed.
[00:05:30] Her life is a wonderful carousel of amazing and weird and trippy and love. And it was a huge Wonderful distraction for my pain. She dropped me off the next day. My friend Jensen came over and brought me an enormous bowl of her boyfriend's amazing lentil soup. I slurped it up and crashed with the cats, who were really mad at me. It was really nice to be alone again. I know it had only been three days, but I thrive being by myself.
[00:06:03] You know, I grew up in a big family. There were five of us in my house and feels kind of big. And I always shared a room from my sister to roommates until I was in my mid-30s. And honestly, sometimes. Not sometimes, all the time. All I ever want is to be by myself. If I need to talk to people, I'll find people to talk to. I can make friends, can't make myself more alone.
[00:06:33] My friend Kay was supposed to come stay with me, but she'd gotten sick, so I was on my own. On Thursday, I slept super hard, tiptoed out to my living room to eat some peanut butter, and then went back to sleep. Then I wasn't alone for another week and a half. Leon Tyler, Anna, Shannon, Valerie, Tris, Genevieve and my mom all stopped by and helped. Mona, Midge and more people all texted me to check in.
[00:07:00] And I felt rich. I felt rich with friendship and I felt rich with time.
[00:07:11] Mental wealth is when you put into place a lot of different habits that keep you, like, mentally. Well, you build more and more habits in. So there's still something in your mental wellness bank account when you need it. And I do a lot to create mental wealth. I take my bipolar meds, I get eight hours of sleep, I write, I make art, I use glitter, I get kitty cuddles and talk to friends about my problems.
[00:07:34] But I was also really glad I had magic mind to add to all of that. Their regular vitamins helped me focus before my surgery despite my body chaos, and helped me get up and running after my surgery.
[00:07:53] The cordyceps, lion's mane, ashwagandha and turmeric helped lower my pain and jumpstart my brain again.
[00:08:01] Having my uterus explode was hard on my mental health. I was bleeding 75% of the time for a year. And in pain and pain equals depression. I had to think through the solutions to my exploding uterus, which took mental energy and faith that things could work out okay. Really hard to believe that things can get better when you're depressed and in constant pain. But having that mental wealth built up helped me cope. Magic mind has two different shots right now. There's the focus shots for your daily routine and the sleep shots to help you wind down Magic Mind is having a January Mental Wealth Challenge. There's no better time to start than now. We really need mental resilience this year. Magic Mind can help you improve your clarity when you're asleep and awake. And you can get 45% off the Magic Mind Bundle with my link.
[00:08:49] That's magicmind.com elisastarjan that's M A G I C M I N.com A L I S A S T A R R J a n for 45% off my hysterectomy is the most organized I've ever been at asking for help. Genevieve helped me create a calendar and then a Word document to help people understand what I needed, what my patients were, how long I was going to be out, and how to help me complete the chores on the calendar. She also made me add pictures of the specific snacks I like and any treats that might coax me out of the house. It was like writing a man my body. It was clarifying and helpful and horrifying. Like the litany of things wrong with me that that nurse went over before surgery. Like laying myself open on the operating table but in front of my friends instead of doctors I didn't know.
[00:09:48] Writing out what help I would need and what foods I like can eat, how long I'll be recovering felt like a lot.
[00:09:56] And it just took a lot out of me to admit that I would need all that help. But I did it. Other people read it and picked out things to bring me.
[00:10:07] It was helpful. It's still helpful. It's still a reminder to me that I can't fast forward through all that healing. It's only been two weeks but oh my gosh, can you hear that?
[00:10:19] Sorry you guys. I gave the cats two big boxes to play with and they are going crazy.
[00:10:31] It doesn't help that whatever Gonzo or Moose or Claude, if I'd crawl into a box I tell them that they're doing excellent box work. Like I I should probably encourage them less. It's just so much fun to see them going crazy for no fucking reason at all.
[00:10:46] Technology makes it easier to text and email and post about what your life is like, but and it's also made it easier to ask for what you need specifically from people. The thing is, is that you have to know the people you're actually asking still have to actually give a shit about them.
[00:11:04] It can't feel random. It can't feel like you're soliciting every single person or random people you've never Met.
[00:11:11] And I was able to go out and sell in bars and talk to people who regularly bought my art or who had never met me before. You know, my co workers, strangers. Three times a week, I would go out and I tell the story about my uterus explosion and my surgery and my pain and also the things I discovered about uteruses along the way.
[00:11:33] Excuse me. And every step of the way, I had to have a talk with myself and drop down a wall.
[00:11:40] I had to have a talk with myself before I started posting videos about my upcoming surgery or about how fucking broken down my uterus is. I had to have a talk about with myself before I started telling strangers about my broken fucking uterus. And I had to have a talk with myself before I made a cartoon about the surgery or I posted the podcast about it.
[00:12:06] After I was vulnerable, I had to talk to myself into being present for the reactions to my story.
[00:12:15] That was maybe the hardest part, because the thing about dropping those walls is that when you decide to do it, you kind of have to accept that some people are going to be dicks, and some people are going to be kind, and some people are just not going to know what to say. And I think what I tell myself to do is to just accept every one of those reactions and where there are gifts, enjoy them, and try and teach other people about what's going on with me in case it could help them later on in their lives.
[00:12:58] And if people are gonna be a dick to me about my body breaking down, okay, that's fine. You're not. You're not the first one to be an asshole to me, I think. When my mother was here, I had a talk with her about my father, who she's still married to, who she still loves very much, her best friend.
[00:13:25] And he and I have come to a truce.
[00:13:29] And our truce is that we just don't talk that much. And I kind of explained that to her, and she doesn't really understand it. And I was like, he doesn't like me as a person.
[00:13:39] And that's actually helped me in my life because.
[00:13:44] And, you know, she was like, no, he loves you. And I was like, I. I don't think he does. I. I don't know if he does, but he definitely doesn't like me, and he's never liked me. And she's like, that's not true. It started when you were two.
[00:14:02] So she's aware of the tensions that have been brewing between me and this man since I was two years old.
[00:14:08] He just doesn't like Me as a person. And it's because I remind him of other people in our family that he didn't get along with, I think. I mean, that's what he's told me before. And when I. What I told Sherry is that if I can accept that my father doesn't like me and even accept the fact that I don't really like my father that much, we don't have that much in common.
[00:14:37] I want the spotlight and he wants to hide. You know, he resents me for having. Always having a good time. And I don't know what he's so fucking miserable about. Like, we just don't get each other as people. But also he annoys the fuck out of me, and I annoy the fuck out of him.
[00:14:55] I didn't say all of that to Sheri. I just said he doesn't like me. And I've accepted that, actually accepted it a long time ago. And when your own father doesn't like you, it's really hard for anyone else's rejection of you to even come close to bothering you. There's. There's kind of nothing anyone else can say. Like, so.
[00:15:24] So I. I've.
[00:15:27] I can accept it when people are dicks to me over. Especially over things I can't help, like my. My body falling apart.
[00:15:35] I don't know if I. I don't. I couldn't have been this person at 30 or 40. I couldn't have figured out how to be this vulnerable or honest or grateful.
[00:15:44] And when I was 30, I didn't understand how someone could enjoy helping me.
[00:15:49] When I was 35, I didn't know how someone could like me even though I needed help.
[00:15:54] And when I was 40, I couldn't imagine enough people wanting to help me that it would keep me afloat for a month and a half.
[00:16:03] The last couple of months when I was going out and telling people these stories and being vulnerable in front of people who became my friends and my support and support. Just interested in my story on online.
[00:16:20] It. It took time and practice to take tell the story about becoming disabled without it becoming the saddest thing ever. Remind reminding you that while I'm telling people that my uterus is falling apart, I'm also trying to get them to buy my cards about fucking. It is. It was a very confusing time and it was Christmas.
[00:16:44] It was hard and it took a lot of practice to tell the story without it becoming the saddest thing ever. You know, finding a moral like, okay, now you know. Now you know what, like what it looks like when your uterus is, is. Is dying when. And now you know that like anytime you're 30 and over, like literally anytime your uterus can just go bad. It. You don't. You can bleed to death. Even if you aren't having a baby, your. Your uterus can just decide. It's, it's all, it's. It's not going to work anymore. And, and being able to tell people that every night was, did give me some purpose. It did help me figure out how to make a good moral of the story, you know, and it made me feel good to see. I tell that story to young men and young women, old men, old women. I tell that story every fucking person I talked to because I needed to involve everyone in my healing in order to get to the healing part. And it was, it felt really good to see men, women, and they nodding their heads and being like, okay, I will watch out for my friends who have uteruses now, now I know. And I will check on them.
[00:18:08] Asking for help is like art. You need to practice it in order to get good at it. And you also have to have asked for help several times and done it wrong and survived in order to get it right.
[00:18:21] And you need to know how to thank someone for listening. And you need to ask them about themselves too. I can find help in a lot of different places. Some people have stories that help me. Some people have ideas that help me. Some people have money or food.
[00:18:35] And I've always considered being an artist like being a public good. If people like me and respond to my art, they will help me keep making it.
[00:18:44] So with all of these people that I collected over my lifetime and over the last year especially, I texted everyone in my phone book asking them to Give to the GoFundMe or sign up to help me on the calendar. And that reach out, it netted more than just the help I wanted. It also, it helped me connect to people I hadn't talked to in years. My old English professor sent me pictures of her butterfly garden.
[00:19:16] I saw pictures of friends and kids and cats and houses and art projects. And I got to hear about other people's writings and find out where they're living and what they're doing with their lives.
[00:19:31] It helped a lot to hear from people from every single corner of my life who went, wow, I really like to do things by myself. And I knew that I would be here in my house like I have been this week, especially alone, telling people I'm fine a lot of the time. And hearing that I'm Loved keeps me moving from one task to the next.
[00:19:58] Getting to know people by asking them for help may seem counterintuitive, but I promise you it works if you can accept it when they say no and thank them for thinking about it. And thank them when they give you help. Even if the help is odd, you don't know what to do with it. Thank people, especially when they give you the help you need, no matter what kind of help you get from them. After you ask, ask them about their lives you're inviting them into.
[00:20:25] Be nice to them. Find out what's going on with them. You could learn something amazing from them. Or even though they're telling you about their shit, they're also aware of your body mess. Now maybe they know someone who had a similar one. Maybe they have a nice story for you or a tip about healing. Or maybe it'll just feel good to talk to someone who heard about what's going wrong with you and still likes you. And now that you've become vulnerable by sharing your shit, they'll share some more interesting shit with you. My friend Leon came over to stay on my couch, in my bathroom, the cat box and the kitchen. He took out my trash.
[00:21:03] I've known him for 30 years.
[00:21:05] We hung out constantly in high school. He's the only one who saw me with my high school sweetheart and knows what it means when I say the word Carlos.
[00:21:17] We hung out constantly in high school and we've hung out regularly in the 30 years since then.
[00:21:26] We've lived in the same city for the last 15 and it's gotten more and more sporadic, but something's changed. Some kind of wall fell away. Maybe it was a wall I put up, but told me all about his life when he was staying here, things I've never known about his family. And we talked for hours every day, catching up on all our friends lives and relationships, but also just kind of clarifying our goals for ourselves.
[00:21:56] And then Shannon, who I met when I was 14 years old and she was my little brother's best friend, texted me back with an adorable picture of her cat. And I didn't know she was living in Seattle. After I got back from the hospital, she delivered some of the most delicious vegetarian food I've ever tasted. And she and Leanne and I told each other stories from the 90s when we all like intersected with other we were all at the same parties mostly. I think those parties were we had these like weekends of debauchery at my house when my parents would go away. It Was fun to relive the old days with them.
[00:22:32] And then Valerie came over and we made one of my paintings into a clock.
[00:22:37] My mother was here for a week, so she and me and Valerie played Clue together, which I won because I'm a fucking boss. Valerie and I have been friends for years, but our relationship has gotten a lot richer as I've needed more and more help with my uterus too.
[00:22:56] When I was talking to her about it, she was like, yeah, she's like, we became best friends off your broken uterus.
[00:23:02] And it's just because I needed help and she wanted to give me help. And she was.
[00:23:13] There's just a depth to the kind of conversations I'm having with who are coming to help me that wasn't here.
[00:23:26] There's a closeness. It's like we've all taken ownership over my well being.
[00:23:31] And for now, making sure I'm okay is a group project with everyone's name on it. And you know, in high school you got to know people because you were stuck with them for hours doing kind of boring shit together, like my chores.
[00:23:49] My mother was here, like I said, and she left last Saturday. But everywhere I look, there's still a recently clean surface. It was like living in a hotel. It was amazing. She is a relentless force. Apparently she's fueled by the power of raw eggs and Jesus. She eats so many raw eggs. She has like a raw egg suitcase. Well, it's an egg suitcase, but Valerie accused her of working for Big Egg.
[00:24:22] My mother doesn't drink or do pot.
[00:24:25] Jesus and raw eggs get her through life and any pain she's got. And if you give her a task, she'll work at it until it's finished.
[00:24:35] But also she. Every situation she enters, she evaluates to see what needs help, what needs finishing, what needs improvement. What's wrong? Can I fix it?
[00:24:48] It was nice to see where my relentlessness comes from and my belief that just my own human power can get me through whatever life throws at me. It was a relief when I let her loose on my desk.
[00:25:04] I hold on to too much scrap paper because I think I really need take every piece of paper and cover it on both sides before I'm allowed to recycle it, I think, because I. I make like I've made a hundred thousand cards, one hundred seventeen thousand cards. And.
[00:25:23] And so I just feel guilty about generating a lot of paper, you know, and so I. There were like 500 pieces of paper on my desk that me and the cats just sort of like throw off. And then Pick up and throw back on. And I just let her loose. And then she wanted to know about my filing system, so we redid that.
[00:25:46] And then I walked into her cleaning on her hands and knees, scrubbing at my carpets. And I was like, okay, I can't have you scrub. There's. The carpet is covered in coffee. I can't. I can't watch you just. Just on your hands and knees clean my entire carpet all. All week. And she said, okay, how do we get a clean? And so we ended up finding, like, a vacuum or it's a really cool vacuum, but I still haven't figured out how it works.
[00:26:24] It's. It's just. It's just a. It's just. Oh, God.
[00:26:30] On this trip, my mom. Oh, this is a Klona pintail, if you're watching me right now. This trip, my mom opened up to me about my family, maybe because of what I said, because there's just this closeness that being ill kind of, and sharing the responsibility for your body with another person invites.
[00:26:56] And so she told me more about my family history than I ever heard. Maurices hold grudges for years. She told me Mowres is her main name. She also told me about some of my inherited wealth.
[00:27:09] Yes, I mean, I'd sort of heard a little bit about it, but my family has owned a mine, part of a mine, like 10% of a mine for 80 years. This has passed from.
[00:27:21] From person to person to person to person to person. My family. It's a gas. It was. They found gas in it.
[00:27:29] Found something else in it, too. And it's paid out for 40 of the years that we've owned it. We've owned it for 80 years. And it's just something that.
[00:27:40] Because I'm part of this line, because I'm my mother's daughter, I inherit and split with my, you know, so when my mother dies, my sister and brother and I will split her share. And it. It pays out maybe $100 a year right now. But they found two different things in it in the last 80 years. They might find more valuable stuff in it, too.
[00:28:06] And I keep thinking about that inherited wealth trickling down and how that's a safety net that I didn't realize I had.
[00:28:21] And then I. That, I mean, I may have a lot more safety nets that I didn't realize.
[00:28:32] I mean, you know, $25 a year or whatever won't.
[00:28:39] What, save me. But it's still inherited wealth, which is something I think I didn't realize I was going to get she was full of other information. I didn't know my grandmother didn't have big boobs. I remember them being huge. I always thought I got them from her.
[00:28:59] But now that I think about it, Nanny always wore, like, really shapeless outfits, so.
[00:29:06] And that my mom and her siblings fight the same fierce way that I fight with my brother and my sister.
[00:29:19] And I mean, there were some other really good conversations I had with Sherry. She seemed to really listen when I pointed out that capitalism isn't working in the same way that communism doesn't work. When any of these systems are corrupt at the top, we the people starve.
[00:29:35] She doesn't listen to music or watch tv. So I didn't listen to music or watch TV while she was here, except in my room.
[00:29:42] But I couldn't last all week. I finally introduced her to Miss Scarlet and the Duke, about a lady detective in olden days. London. It reminded me of the Victoria Holt novels my mom and I used to read when I was a little girl.
[00:29:54] When I broke my first leg, it was an accident, so I couldn't round up support for myself. And I was living in Portland. I didn't have a community there. I had to rely really heavily on my roommate. And when I broke my second leg, it was another accident. I just moved to Seattle. I knew people who I loved who wanted to help me. But again, it was so sudden. I didn't know what I needed help with. And in the early days of social media, there wasn't an easy way to tell people I needed that help or the kind of help I needed.
[00:30:26] I made mistakes. Both times I didn't say thank you enough. I wasn't grateful. I was just despondent. I was living in the fear that being suddenly disabled brings with it. I was. It was also 15 years ago. I had 10 years less therapy, and I hadn't been diagnosed with bipolar just yet. I hadn't found better living through chemistry. I was always afraid and anxious anyway. And I also hadn't figured out how to accept comfort yet.
[00:30:54] Every one of us will become disabled at some point in our lives. We fall and we break, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. Getting older is a series of small disabilities adding up until your body hits that cascade of failures.
[00:31:11] Despite being in debilitating pain, the prospect of the surgery was terrifying.
[00:31:16] You don't have a very high likelihood of dying, my cousin Ramona reminded me. I know that. I'm not worried about dying. I have a lot more problems if I live older. Any surgery has a chance of killing the patient. Anytime you put Someone under and fuck with their insides, you could kill them. This is probably more like 5% of a chance.
[00:31:38] I was more terrified that the surgery wouldn't work, that I would go through all this healing and I would come out of all of it in debilitating pain still. And I was terrified. They take out my uterus and if I still wasn't okay, they just shrug and say, well, we tried. And I just rot. Eventually driven crazy by pain. Coming homeless, unloved and unmissed, unmoored.
[00:32:01] That fear has kept me off the Internet since getting back from house. People I talk to are right in front of me. They show up at my house. I've not connected to the outside world.
[00:32:13] I've been at home waiting to see what the verdict is in. And a few days ago I realized I'm in less pain than I was before the surgery. It worked.
[00:32:22] And some part of me has been slowly letting out a sigh of relief.
[00:32:28] My mother has the energy and enthusiasm of a golden retriever. She loves to walk.
[00:32:33] Knew if she was here while I was healing, she would happily push me.
[00:32:37] I was really proud of myself for keeping up with a 70 year old woman, which embarrassed me until I reminded myself I was a week out from surgery and we were going up and down the hills of Seattle.
[00:32:53] I'm still not able to sit or stand or even think like I was. But every day gets a little easier.
[00:33:01] I feel less pain in my vagina because it turns out when they not only doinked it through my vagina, they took all their, all their tools through and then they stuck the catheter in after.
[00:33:19] It's just. It just. It still hurts a lot actually.
[00:33:25] This was the first time I was able to say everything I wanted to beforehand.
[00:33:30] And I wrote a last will and testament. I called Tyler to check in with him. What if my charisma comes from my uterus and we just don't know?
[00:33:39] Tyler laughed. Well, your uterus has been going wrong all year and you've been just as fiery and funny as ever. He pointed out.
[00:33:46] Oh yeah, right.
[00:33:49] But if something happens and your charisma was in your uterus, I'll help you find it, he promised.
[00:33:57] I giggled and thinking of Tyler and the search for my uterus through bags of medical waste.
[00:34:04] Thinking of making it into a kid's book like that helped me ease my pre surgery jitters. It's not a dangerous surgery, he reassured me. You don't have to make a will or anything. Well, having said that, I did make a will. It's a Google Document. You just get the rights to all my art. But also, just so you know, I want to be cremated and combined with glitter. So every time someone sees glitter, they wonder, is Elisa in there?
[00:34:38] By volunteering to help me, my friends have joined the Taking Care of My Body group project. While we work on it together, we talk. And not just that. I'm getting to know the people who have helped me better. It's the way I'm getting to know.
[00:34:52] Like I said, when people work together, they tell each other deeply personal things. Friendships have just gotten so much richer this month. And my house has been cleaned by kind hands that love me. And I've got a fridge full of delicious.
[00:35:06] I am not trying to brag. I know it's hard to find support. And I know that creating support for yourself if you've grown up in an abusive home is hard. Only one person texted me back, you're a fucking dumbass. I don't care what happens to you. Don't ever text me again.
[00:35:21] But any other time in my life, it might have been more people or most of the people, or there just might not have been that many people. Text.
[00:35:30] Part of letting my walls down was accepting that people might be dicks to me because I was asking for help or in pain or because I was scared and they saw that as a weakness.
[00:35:40] That's just part of it. People may be dicks to you for asking. They may resent any help you get. And you're also gonna have to fight through all your doubts about whether you deserve things while you say you deserve things.
[00:35:57] If someone isn't nice enough to me, they lose my attention. Like, they just fall out of my focus.
[00:36:02] Unless their rejection is hilarious or interesting, I forget that they exist. I want you to learn how to do that. If you put yourself out there, you have to ignore the people who want to fuck with you.
[00:36:14] I hope that you find the kind of community I have right now. I just want you to know that being vulnerable can help you get that. And that vulnerability often gets met with vulnerability.
[00:36:26] I want you to figure out how to protect yourself by dismissing people who are dicks.
[00:36:31] And I want you to figure out how to recover in a community of people who want you to be okay. I hope all of you have a wonderful healing just like this one has been for me. I had to try two broken legs I had to practice on before I ended up this uterus yoink. Going amazingly well.
[00:36:57] I feel like I failed at getting help or receiving help or asking for help with those two broken legs. But this uterus yoink. I finally got right and I hope that some of the things I've told you can help you too.
[00:37:14] I also help hope. I also hope that you get to try a magic mind for yourself because it super helped me too. It's nice to get all my vitamins in one place. It feels good to have my inflammation just naturally, just at least at one point lower because I've got magic mind on board every day.
[00:37:37] And it's also kind of amazing to get the caffeine and energy without the jitters. So if you want to get 45% off that magic mind bundle with my link, it's magicmind.com ElisaStar Jan that's M A G I C M I N dot com A L I S a S T A R R J a N thanks you guys.
[00:38:09] Thanks for listening to my Alisa Star.
[00:38:20] Breathtaking. So bizarre. Elisa Star Elisa Star Trying to get you to laugh at your stars tells you the trick wherever you are.
[00:38:40] Elisa Star she is a poopy blabber Math who is your friend.
